Am going through a bad patch again. I think that I have a darkness that creeps up and embraces me. How on earth do I explain.

I was fine when I woke up this morning. Prepared my shopping list, we have friends for dinner Saturday night and I am making a curry, so off we went to the supermarche to get some bits and start preparing today. They did not have all the necessary that I needed, sometimes they have them on the shelves and sometimes they don’t and this was one of the don’t times.

Bugger, will have to go to bigger town instead of small town. Bugger, am trying to economise but will still have to use more diesel….

Anyway, himself was pushing the trolley, slowly, I just parked him in an aisle and said ‘Wait there, I will shoot off and get what I need’. He did just that. It was much quicker for me than having him trundling behind me and complaining. I did suggest that he wait in the car – I got a black look! Also seems that he was a little bit deaf, turns out he had water in his ear from his shower earlier so I was getting a lot of ‘what?’

Grrrrr.

We eventually arrived home and found members of the ‘God Squad’ at the door, well at least two of them, and hey, not American! They come later on in the year…

‘Hello’ said the taller guy (English), ‘we came last year, do you remember?’

I wanted to say ‘Hell yes, and I told you I wasn’t interested so kindly F*** O** and don’t bother me again!!”

But, I said, with my best Christian attitude, ‘Oh yes, I remember, thank you for coming to visit again but I am really not interested, I do have my Catholic God and my husband is still an atheist, we do wish you well with you ministry, good bye and have a good day!’

I couldn’t believe that I could get such a sentence out in one hit!

(I have been reading Susan Howatch lately, lots of religion!)

He smiled (the English one) and said ‘thank you, have a good day’ and, with his little French companion, left the premises.

My dear husband didn’t get a word in and just looked, well, amazed.

I went indoors and gave the dog a ‘telling off’ – “why didn’t you growl and show them that you are a proper guard dog?” He just smiled and wagged his tail. Continuity from the hound at least.

I unpacked the shopping, don’t want himself doing weights yet, sorted it all into its relevant places, freezer, fridge, pantry shelves etc. and then, well, I just wanted to go and hide away, in a corner, and not come out until I felt better. This feeling suddenly descended on me, I don’t know why, it just happened, so on and off all day, since shopping, I have felt like crap.

I had lunch (pigged out on a pizza) had half an hour catching up with emails etc. then scrubbed our bathroom and then came down to make some Samosas for the weekend (first time making these). Throughout this process from catching up on emails, cleaning bathroom and preparing recipe I was streaming tears… I kept it hidden from himself as he cannot fathom a woman’s emotions, never has, never will. He had his feet up and was taking his afternoon siesta.

Thought I would give it a go and try to make the planned curry as authentic as possible. I have a stock of whole spices and now grind my own as I need them, garlic and ginger is readily available but have a problem finding green chillis and mango chutney at the moment.

I will be making milder curries for the weekend as I do not want to upset a delicate alimentary canal!

Was originally going to make a Pork Vindaloo but have toned it down to a Pork Dopiaza. Either way it will be tasty!!

I seem to be going from me, to curry, to emotions….

There is a lot of negativity in this house. I do my best to be positive but it is always negated by ‘shhhh, you know who’.

The animals are positive. Jensen, is happy, bouncy (a bit of a Tigger really) and gives off such positive emotions.

Bisto is a truly erotic cat, if that is the right word, he is sensual especially when he winds himself around my legs, like a pole dancer, in the morning, during mid-day, the afternoon and evening etc. purring and gazing up at me with his lovely green eyes.

Bisto oozes love! (Hmmm, I wonder who he used to be?)

I am sure that the negativity is bringing me down. I try my best and I have explained to himself that he needs to be more positive in his thinking.

‘Yes’ he says.

End of conversation.