Monday, 15 April 2013

Over the past few weeks I have been feeling very 'tense'.

I find my jaw tightening and my head 'pulsing' and my tinnitus louder...

I am not sure why, or maybe I know why.

I cannot talk through my feelings with my 'nearest and dearest' because he just shrugs and walks away.

It is difficult to communicate in another language with my doctor.

My last check up with my medecin my BP was up "yes" I said, "I have been stressed." She did not ask why.

I think it is to do with the loss of my sister, the crap weather we have been having, his lack of talking to me.

I am fed up with the cleaning, laundry, vacuuming, bed making, planning daily menus, the cooking, planning decor, decorating, planning garden, gardening, sorting out the 'crap'.

He is either reading, playing computer games, eating, drinking or sleeping... He loves his afternoon nap - drives me up the wall. I would love to have a full day out - no, he does not even think about it.

I have said about going to various places to visit or for a few days holiday. He says, if you want to go, then go. I ask, what about you - he says I'm fine, you go..

I want to share my life with him..


I would love to walk away from it all.

I would like someone to listen to me.

I would like someone to care.

Depression is awful but I do not want to resort to taking medication that will shut 'me' off.

I am 'me', and 'me', or 'I', am going through a period of time that is 'black' - I will not say it is a 'crisis' - I have never been in a 'crisis', but have been depressed in the past.

Churchill had his 'Black Dog' that visited - I think I have that at the moment - all people do but whether they acknowledge or not is a different matter.

After the birth of our third child I suffered from post-natal depression. I was tearful most of the time and was, basically, on automatic pilot with not only my children but my husband.

He thought that the remedy was regular sex...

Now that was so wrong, love and care yes but being 'fucked' on a regular basis did not remedy the problem, in fact it made it worse - made me feel worthless - I considered myself a baby and 'fuck' machine.

Sounds so crude but, at the time, true.

I was on two lots of pills, prescribed by the doctor, uppers and downers from what I remember. Something to get rid of the depression and something to perk me up... My mind was a fuzz most of the time...

Our children have been unaffected by this episode, I hope. They do not remember it although our eldest child will say that she thought I went through a difficult time.

How I got through it I don't know but I do not want to go down that route again.

I would rather go for a holistic remedy.

And, as for sex.... well that has not figured in my life for a long time.

f he ever says "it's been a long time since..." I will say 'well, tough, it is the same for me'.

Oh My God, this is dire, but at least I have got it out of my system..