Hmmmm.

It is the end of October - winter is upon us - we have cold rain, violent wind and frost. The leaves are changing their colour and falling from the trees and I keep raking them up and then more fall again.... I am putting the leaves on my border just behind the privet hedge. This is a hedge that I have nurtured over the last 6 years, remembering the advice that my dear Dad had given me about 'rearing' hedges. The hedge is now looking thick and healthy - the advice has worked. God Bless you my dear Dad. (I miss you so much) Oh, can grief last so long??

We are still waiting for the final settlement from the insurance company (they will be rejected in the next couple of months) and we are keeping our finger crossed that we don't go 'tits up' with the bank. Have made a rendezvous with our lovely conseillere who has looked after us for the last 9 years, she has known us and our plans from day one and also knows our situation; she has been an enormous help through all our ups and downs... Mind you, she does not know yet that she will be surpassed when we change our bank for one that is not so heavy on the charges etc...

The last couple of years have been shit... No other word for it.... absolute shit, merde, faeces, bollocks etc... I sometimes think I may be heading for a nervous breakdown (is that the current expression or is it something else nowadays?? 'an acute time-limited reactive disorder' hah!,) No, I am not depressed - I did the depression thing after the birth of daughter no 3. This is different - I get so very, very angry with what is going on and just find myself in 'tears' for no reason - tears of sheer frustration and anger at what is happening in my life.

When I was young my mother used to say that I was 'sensitive' - I know what she means - I am sensitive to situations and others and my 'emotions' get the better of me.

I do not scream and shout or throw things (maybe that would be better!) - I just burst into tears if it (life) becomes too difficult!!

My husband has said that I am a 'control freak' - no I am not - I like an ordered life and someone has to look after that life. If he cannot be bothered to look after our financial/domestic/emotional situation then - well, someone has to. So, therefore, I am in 'control' of it all - not only am I his wife, housekeeper, financial expert, mother of his daughters, but also mother to him as well!!! Can he accept that??? Hmmm I wonder, I have not bothered to ask.

I think that maybe my 'sensitivity' is through the trials I went through as a small child when I was very ill and, according to my Dad, close to death - my first memories are of being in hospital!!

We have a bill, a tax bill, it is for a modification of the 'permis de construire' of the hangar - the house that has been under construction by our daughter - and it is a lot of money that we can ill afford. We did notify our daughter that it was for her to settle. Did we get it sorted straight away? no..... we did not. Her partner (the guy that she has been supporting for the last year) queried it... I do so hope that the transfer comes through in time, the thought of going overdrawn without permission does not appeal to me (we never did in the UK).

Oh dear, this is a bit depressing... I am going through a bad time at the moment and need to get it off my chest.

I love my husband but do not always like him... does that make sense?? He can be a pain in the butt but then I suppose I am felt the same way. We 'bounce' off each other in various ways - a bit of a ballet I suppose that has been going on for the last 40+ years..

Middle daughter has been an absolute gem over the last few weeks. She has had so many problems over the last couple of years and it was so good to have her visit this year. She needed the break having a severely disabled son and husband who could not cope with it. She came for a holiday with her eldest son. Her husband had his daughter and son (Terry who has cerebral palsy, microcephaly, epilepsy + other problems). The first break she has had for a very long time. I used to have a few problems with this daughter and having this time together brought us closer. We talk at least twice a week and we can discuss most things.... We have become very close. I always thought that I was close to daughters no 1 and no 3... wrong!!! Middle daughter has come up trumps over the last few months.

Our daughters have been brought up to be independent young women and are so different in so many ways, yet they are so alike.... Sometimes I cannot understand them yet there are times that their thoughts gel with mine instantly. Am off to the UK in a couple of weeks. Will see how we all get on!!! Mind you, I am really going to see my darling Mum (now 89), I miss her so much!!

Families are so complicated!!

Photo is of me and daughters taken on the Isle of Wight 1981 I think!!