I have just looked back at my last postings, oh my they were some weeks back and I was in a ‘sensitive’ state.
Since then I have spoken with my doctor. Bless her, she listened as I explained in my halting French, sometimes breaking into English.
I was at the lowest of low. I could not sleep or concentrate and was very prone to tears – I had dreamt that I was with my sister and as I went to say goodbye to her she kept moving just out of reach…. I was devastated when I woke up. I suppose it was a catalyst. All my husband could say was, “Well, you are allowed to grieve”. There was no comforting arm around me….
I explained all to my lovely doc. When I first spoke about how I was feeling she asked if it was to do with his drinking (which is still excessive in my eyes) and I said yes but also to do with my loss, we talked about my feelings and she listened, I was not dismissed by her at all, she had time for me. I was prescribed a mild sleeping pill and also an antidepressant. I must admit I have felt calmer since – have been sleeping well which I hadn’t for months…
Some days I feel marvellous and could take on the world, other times I just want to stay snuggled in my bed - I don’t want to self-diagnose but I know there is still a long way to go before I am me again – whoever me is!
We can put depression down to many factors, the weather was crap beginning of the year, many grey, short days – total lack of sunshine – too many ‘comfort’ meals meaning extra ‘stodge’ in the system. I suppose it was the wheel of life turning very slowly, in a depressing pattern, just waiting for sunshine to enter my life.
For me it has been a combination of factors. Last year was good(ish), I managed two lovely holidays – something I have needed for a very long time. He does not seem to need such stimulus, he is happy in his own little world.
This year the grey days seemed to last forever, just wanting to hibernate was on the agenda and to fill with warming food, then the death of my sister totally upset my equilibrium… where does one turn? Who can one turn to? Why oh why did she go? Those questions and others but no ray of sunshine to open the heavens for guidance… feeling totally lost. I still ask the questions but am not so lost.. I can talk about her and her life now and shed a little tear but not the ‘buckets’ as before.
Since then I have had a very good couple of months.
We went to the UK to celebrate another of his significant birthdays which was held at our eldest daughters house (bless her). All of the family turned up except for his sister in law, niece and nephew who are totally out of the family equation at the moment – one of those familial things that we all encounter sometimes in our lives. We also invited old friends that he had not seen for many years… he was delighted. It was lovely to have all of the family (albeit only my side and there were plenty of those), and old friends together.. Such a shame that my mother was unable to join the celebration – she felt it would be much too much for her.
In June we had a couple of the grandchildren come to stay and they were here for celebration no 2. Lucky man! Party with family then party with French and English friends here, just brilliant! We loved it.
Then my other sister came to stay for a few days in which we had some good ‘sister’ time together then, amazingly, followed by my dear friend arriving for a week as sister departed to UK. So good to have a couple of lovely women to talk to, have a laugh, and to put the world to rights with.
All in all the last few weeks have been good for me, and for him I think. He knows there are other people out there who care about us……