Over the past few weeks I have been feeling very 'tense'.

I find my jaw tightening and my head 'pulsing' and my tinnitus louder...

I am not sure why, or maybe I know why.

I cannot talk through my feelings with my 'nearest and dearest' because he just shrugs and walks away.

It is difficult to communicate in another language with my doctor.

My last check up with my medecin my BP was up "yes" I said, "I have been stressed." She did not ask why.

I think it is to do with the loss of my sister, the crap weather we have been having, his lack of talking to me.

I am fed up with the cleaning, laundry, vacuuming, bed making, planning daily menus, the cooking, planning decor, decorating, planning garden, gardening, sorting out the 'crap'.

He is either reading, playing computer games, eating, drinking or sleeping... He loves his afternoon nap - drives me up the wall. I would love to have a full day out - no, he does not even think about it.

I have said about going to various places to visit or for a few days holiday. He says, if you want to go, then go. I ask, what about you - he says I'm fine, you go..

I want to share my life with him..

WHY????  

I would love to walk away from it all.

I would like someone to listen to me.

I would like someone to care.

Depression is awful but I do not want to resort to taking medication that will shut 'me' off.

I am 'me', and 'me', or 'I', am going through a period of time that is 'black' - I will not say it is a 'crisis' - I have never been in a 'crisis', but have been depressed in the past.

Churchill had his 'Black Dog' that visited - I think I have that at the moment - all people do but whether they acknowledge or not is a different matter.

After the birth of our third child I suffered from post-natal depression. I was tearful most of the time and was, basically, on automatic pilot with not only my children but my husband.

He thought that the remedy was regular sex...

Now that was so wrong, love and care yes but being 'fucked' on a regular basis did not remedy the problem, in fact it made it worse - made me feel worthless - I considered myself a baby and 'fuck' machine.

Sounds so crude but, at the time, true.

I was on two lots of pills, prescribed by the doctor, uppers and downers from what I remember. Something to get rid of the depression and something to perk me up... My mind was a fuzz most of the time...

Our children have been unaffected by this episode, I hope. They do not remember it although our eldest child will say that she thought I went through a difficult time.

How I got through it I don't know but I do not want to go down that route again.

I would rather go for a holistic remedy.

And, as for sex.... well that has not figured in my life for a long time.

f he ever says "it's been a long time since..." I will say 'well, tough, it is the same for me'.

Oh My God, this is dire, but at least I have got it out of my system..

An idea published

I have recently become acquainted with a new author. She has just published her first novel and at the moment I am reading my copy.

The novel is an ‘alternate history’ thriller, and I am finding it exciting and intriguing.

The author, Alison Morton  has had an undying interest in all things relating to ancient Rome.  

Her interest was ‘sparked’ on a visit to an ancient site in Spain when she was a young girl and once it got a grip it would not let go. 

She pondered the question, ‘Supposing Women were the rulers in Rome, how would the world be now?’ 

That was her vision and that idea is the basis of the book.

The basic synopsis is of a young woman in modern America, but not the USA as we know it. Centuries back the Roman Empire did not just ‘dissolve’ away but part of it split away and became a ‘matriarchal’ European country. 

The heroine of this novel is totally unaware that she is descended from one of the most important families in Roma Nova as this fictional country is known. Her life is suddenly shaken up and is in danger from political enemies.

I won’t say any more, just that this fast paced book ‘Inceptio’ is getting good reviews and is selling well.

The second book is at the final proofing stage book, number three is ready as well and she is working on number four. Am looking forward to seeing them in print as well

Alison has my admiration for sticking to her guns and working very hard over the past 4 years getting it all together.

It is nice to meet a person with a sense of history and who, like me, absolutely hates bad spelling and grammar as well as the misuse and bad spelling of Latin and French phrases.   

I had a friend contact me, she will be visiting me with some other friends, and she said ‘I will be picking up X & Y on root’. 

Eek……  

I find it unbelievable that someone who has lived here for 10 years cannot spell a basic French phrase.

Or am I just 'picky' ?

What do you do if you have forgotten how to pray?

I used to pray but haven’t done so in such a long time.

I feel that I need to send messages to that ‘being’,  who is known as God.

I need answers.

As a baptised Catholic I am finding this very difficult.

There are Methodist and Anglican vicars in my locality but I don’t know of any English speaking ‘Roman’ priests that could help me.

I feel at a spiritual loss.

It is no good talking to ‘himself’ as he is a self-proclaimed agnostic… he has an ‘aggressive’ aversion to religion of any shape or form.  

I have no idea what he is afraid of, but there is something in his background that has formed this opinion.

There is no empathy from him.

When he knew my sister had died his response, basically, was ‘Sorry, but when you get to our age people you know die.’ 

  

I can’t remember his exact words but that was the impression I got.

It seems as though the part of his brain that has feelings, empathy etc. is switched off.

The part of his brain that is concerned with himself though is fully up and running!

We had friends round for lunch yesterday. 

They left at around 4pm. 

He continued drinking, had a light snack later.

At half past midnight this morning I heard him in the loo voiding himself of all and everything.

When I mentioned it this morning he had no recollection….

I so need solace.

Tears come very easy these days.

The Old Biddie is not very happy…

Have just arrived back home after a rather stressful week.

I was supposed to be returning to the UK on the 7^th March to celebrate my mother’s 92^nd birthday, the whole family were going to have a lovely party in her honour in my sister’s new house.

Life was turned upside down on the 22^nd February.

I cancelled my flight (he was staying here) and booked a ferry for the two of us instead for the following Tuesday. 

We saw mum and our children, did some shopping, he returned on the Saturday and I stayed on for another week.

I found it all very surreal, a piece of my life had been switched off. My mother is not one for emotions, she is a very private person and keeps her feelings to herself. She will voice her opinions and thoughts though. We talked, she wept a little, I wept a little, she was unhappy that her daughters partner of 14 yrs was left with nothing. They had not married. Maybe they planned to in the future, but the future didn’t happen. Mum is very fond of him and, I think, would have loved him for a son-in-law.

And so my life has changed.

I am now the eldest child in the family. My brother is not too enamoured of that idea, yes, I was his older sister but now the eldest sister.

The airline company, who normally get bad press for their practices have agreed to refund my flight costs. 

Good.

When I got home I found that no cleaning had been done in the house. When we left it was clean. I am stating my case and whether he likes it or not is tough. He obviously needs to employ a housekeeper, cook and cleaner.

And, to my horror, not only am I turning into my mother but I am turning into my mother in law! I bought a lovely pair of shoes for the summer and what does he say “My mum had a pair of shoes just like that.”

Eeek!     

I mentioned that the lounge decoration should have been finished so that we could get on with the next thing that needed doing. 

Response was, “Yes and the gardening & etc.” I wondered what he was on about. 

“Do you mean that you think you needed to finish the painting? If I had been here then it would have been done, as it is I was in the UK, because of my sister’s death, it had always been my intention for me to finish it.” Was my response, along with a few swear words. 

“Oh.” He said.

Anyway, painting is now done. Just need to put paper on the wall.

Papering over the cracks?

My lovely sister lost her battle/fight, however one would describe such a thing, with cancer early Friday morning.....

It was so sudden, my whole family are shocked to the core at the speed of her death.

'Oh,' said the medics 'she has a few months, time to get the necessary affairs sorted.' 'We will keep her comfortable & etc......'

'Oh' we said 'We will all have a chance to see her and say our goodbyes.'

WRONG!

I am going through all sorts of emotions at the moment... Anger is to the fore most of the time. Angry that she did not stop smoking. Angry that I did not have that last chat with her. Angry that she in all probability knew she had cancer. Angry that my mother has lost a child.  Angry that her children have lost their mother. Angry that her grandchildren have lost their grandmother. Angry that her partner, who is so devoted, is now alone again.

So, I am off to the UK for not the best of reasons.

I know I will feel calmer once I have seen my family. 

Would like think that those who gossip about people that are no longer here will be gossiped about when they leave.

I get really annoyed that they think they have the right to tell ‘all and sundry’ (that is Brits) about people that they do not know, I keep my counsel and listen.

One day I will say, contact ‘so and so.’ “Here is his/her email address and I am sure that they will give you the details that you are lacking.”

I had a lovely lady stay with me at my B&B. She was from Luxembourg and visiting France for one of her children that had been invited to a birthday party. This lady was from my part of the UK and was married to a French banker. We had a long, lovely chat, she was absolutely delightful. It seems that in the ‘State’ of Luxembourg everyone knows the business of everyone else. Apparently the Americans are the worst for gossip. When I mentioned that a (small) town near to us was full of English she said ‘Oh My God a mini Luxembourg! How can you put up with it!) I stated that I avoided the place like the plague.. She smiled and laughed. I detected a little ‘jealousy’ there. I feel that in spite of her husband’s wonderful job she would prefer the simple life.

I am happy being on the periphery of the Ex-patriot community, the more I hear the more I want to hide away. When you get down to it we are immigrants – the sort of people that the English are complaining about…

In spite of the above I have met some really lovely ladies recently. Ladies that are on the same wavelength as me. We can chat about all and everything and it is intelligent chat, nothing inane. 

I do really need to get to grips with the local French ladies and what is going on in the village. I have been very remiss I must admit… will work on it and let all my followers know how I get on.

On the family front all is well. There are a few issues with TJ, probably because he is getting ‘bigger’ – it seems his anti-seizure medication is not up to scratch. It needs to be according to his weight I think.

I still don’t know how his mum copes with it all.

She has two other children to consider as well. Eldest child is now 15 yrs old and is coping with having to help his mother and brother.

It does worry me…. Her daughter seems to be daddy’s  (daddy not being fully involved in family life.)  ‘princess’ which really pisses me off as at the age of 10 is no use to her mother at all… am I being ‘off the wall?’ when I ask that children do not help their mother and siblings?   

Grrrr.

Have just had another anniversary, was it acknowledged totally... no - I think I will need to arrange a proper celebration of our years together. I get very sad....

Am decorating the house, painting walls in the ‘salon’ and it is looking good. I have art works to put on the walls and they need a decent backdrop. I work my socks, arms, calves off painting and end up feeling knackered. It looks good though. 

I am pleased. 

He says ‘ it’s a bit dark!’ I say ‘ wait ‘til the sun shines.’  

What a difference once the sun is out… I am pleased with the effect and when I have put pictures etc on the walls it looks so very good…  Hallway is almost finished and it also looks very good. 

Got to sort out bathroom – made a scale plan and sourced and priced the finished articles. 

I know it will work!

Will keep all and sundry posted.x

I know yesterday's post was dire but I needed to express my feelings in the simplest of ways to people who do not know me...

I don't want sycophantic crap from the group (LIFT) I belong to, the thought of their platitudes and advice would nauseate me as I am not an unintelligent woman who needs someone to tell me 'this and that'.

My lovely sister is my first friend, playmate and confidante. She had her own name for me as she could not pronounce my name properly being only 16 months old when I was born. Her children only know me by the name she called me.  We would share a bedroom, clothes, makeup, fall out, make up, share experiences and, would you believe, a boyfriend (who eventually became my husband).

I remember we went out one evening, many years ago, and met a couple of lovely lads. We told them we were twins. My sister had auburn hair, the deepest brown eyes, fair skin and freckles. I had almost black hair, green eyes and olive skin. We were 18 yrs and 16 yrs old. The lads bought it! We said not all twins were identical. Got a few drinks and a wonderful evening out of them! Wicked? No, we were young and enjoying life.

I love this lady who continually smoked from the age of 16... and that is her downfall. If only, I wish...

My God I will miss her so much.