Over the past few weeks I have been feeling very 'tense'.
I find my jaw tightening and my head 'pulsing' and my tinnitus louder...
I am not sure why, or maybe I know why.
I cannot talk through my feelings with my 'nearest and dearest' because he just shrugs and walks away.
It is difficult to communicate in another language with my doctor.
My last check up with my medecin my BP was up "yes" I said, "I have been stressed." She did not ask why.
I think it is to do with the loss of my sister, the crap weather we have been having, his lack of talking to me.
I am fed up with the cleaning, laundry, vacuuming, bed making, planning daily menus, the cooking, planning decor, decorating, planning garden, gardening, sorting out the 'crap'.
He is either reading, playing computer games, eating, drinking or sleeping... He loves his afternoon nap - drives me up the wall. I would love to have a full day out - no, he does not even think about it.
I have said about going to various places to visit or for a few days holiday. He says, if you want to go, then go. I ask, what about you - he says I'm fine, you go..
I want to share my life with him..
WHY????
I would love to walk away from it all.
I would like someone to listen to me.
I would like someone to care.
Depression is awful but I do not want to resort to taking medication that will shut 'me' off.
I am 'me', and 'me', or 'I', am going through a period of time that is 'black' - I will not say it is a 'crisis' - I have never been in a 'crisis', but have been depressed in the past.
Churchill had his 'Black Dog' that visited - I think I have that at the moment - all people do but whether they acknowledge or not is a different matter.
After the birth of our third child I suffered from post-natal depression. I was tearful most of the time and was, basically, on automatic pilot with not only my children but my husband.
He thought that the remedy was regular sex...
Now that was so wrong, love and care yes but being 'fucked' on a regular basis did not remedy the problem, in fact it made it worse - made me feel worthless - I considered myself a baby and 'fuck' machine.
Sounds so crude but, at the time, true.
I was on two lots of pills, prescribed by the doctor, uppers and downers from what I remember. Something to get rid of the depression and something to perk me up... My mind was a fuzz most of the time...
Our children have been unaffected by this episode, I hope. They do not remember it although our eldest child will say that she thought I went through a difficult time.
How I got through it I don't know but I do not want to go down that route again.
I would rather go for a holistic remedy.
And, as for sex.... well that has not figured in my life for a long time.
f he ever says "it's been a long time since..." I will say 'well, tough, it is the same for me'.
Oh My God, this is dire, but at least I have got it out of my system..
I find my jaw tightening and my head 'pulsing' and my tinnitus louder...
I am not sure why, or maybe I know why.
I cannot talk through my feelings with my 'nearest and dearest' because he just shrugs and walks away.
It is difficult to communicate in another language with my doctor.
My last check up with my medecin my BP was up "yes" I said, "I have been stressed." She did not ask why.
I think it is to do with the loss of my sister, the crap weather we have been having, his lack of talking to me.
I am fed up with the cleaning, laundry, vacuuming, bed making, planning daily menus, the cooking, planning decor, decorating, planning garden, gardening, sorting out the 'crap'.
He is either reading, playing computer games, eating, drinking or sleeping... He loves his afternoon nap - drives me up the wall. I would love to have a full day out - no, he does not even think about it.
I have said about going to various places to visit or for a few days holiday. He says, if you want to go, then go. I ask, what about you - he says I'm fine, you go..
I want to share my life with him..
WHY????
I would love to walk away from it all.
I would like someone to listen to me.
I would like someone to care.
Depression is awful but I do not want to resort to taking medication that will shut 'me' off.
I am 'me', and 'me', or 'I', am going through a period of time that is 'black' - I will not say it is a 'crisis' - I have never been in a 'crisis', but have been depressed in the past.
Churchill had his 'Black Dog' that visited - I think I have that at the moment - all people do but whether they acknowledge or not is a different matter.
After the birth of our third child I suffered from post-natal depression. I was tearful most of the time and was, basically, on automatic pilot with not only my children but my husband.
He thought that the remedy was regular sex...
Now that was so wrong, love and care yes but being 'fucked' on a regular basis did not remedy the problem, in fact it made it worse - made me feel worthless - I considered myself a baby and 'fuck' machine.
Sounds so crude but, at the time, true.
I was on two lots of pills, prescribed by the doctor, uppers and downers from what I remember. Something to get rid of the depression and something to perk me up... My mind was a fuzz most of the time...
Our children have been unaffected by this episode, I hope. They do not remember it although our eldest child will say that she thought I went through a difficult time.
How I got through it I don't know but I do not want to go down that route again.
I would rather go for a holistic remedy.
And, as for sex.... well that has not figured in my life for a long time.
f he ever says "it's been a long time since..." I will say 'well, tough, it is the same for me'.
Oh My God, this is dire, but at least I have got it out of my system..
Writing things down can be very therapeutic, Trisha and where better than on your blog. I'm sorry life is so hard for you at the moment.
ReplyDeleteIf it's out of your system by writing it down then that's a good thing...lowers the pressure.
ReplyDeleteYou've had quite a lot of things happening over the last year or two...moving house, illness in the family and then the shock of your sister's death....all cumulative.
Some men of that generation seem to have a problem with expressing emotion too - as if it's somehow wrong to admit to having any emotions... and shy away when they have to take emotion into account.
They don't seem to have the mental vocabulary to cope.
You need to have someone you can talk to with open ears and heart... and a firmly zipped mouth; but in your area those are in short supply I know.
I wish you were closer to our last doctor in France...a Spanish chap with excellent English and a proper doctor..one who picks up on hints and signs...I am sure he could help if only on a private basis. He certainly has the open ears and heart...and the zipper firmly in place on the lips.
I am new to your blog and was somewhat taken aback at this post because I feared the man in question might read it and you would be unsafe. I hope this is not so.
ReplyDeleteI work as a therapist and know how good it is to have someone to whom you can be totally honest. I also think there is a place for medication but in the end there is nothing much that can be done to change the "other" when feeling so hurt.
I am a Brit living in New Zealand ( which I cannot stand) and am planning to move to France sometime in 2015.
I shall follow your blog and, who knows, one day maybe will meet.
Until then, take care of yourself. Try to enjoy the things you want to do even if it means doing them without "him". You just never know who you might meet along the way