You get to the point when you wonder why the fuck you carry on...


I thought everything was OK but it is not.


Hubby let a 'friend', in the loosest sense of the word, borrow his trailer ramps and also have our old cooker.. we were due 100 euro for the cooker – not paid yet and the ramps have not been returned.


I did not know that the ramps had been 'borrowed'. They cost a lot of money.


This friend was going to sort out our car, and also lots of other mechanical things.


Wrong!


Nothing has been sorted and we are now out of pocket.


I am so pissed off with it all.


Does my other half, husband, or whatever you want to call him, care?


NO – he does not.


That is why I am again so pissed off..


It is our money that is affected – what comes in and what goes out.


He does not seem to give a toss.


Again I get so bloody angry.


I have contacted the 'friend' and asked that he contact us to return the ramps and pay the money that he owes.


He has not been in touch.


We do not even know where he bloody well lives!


I have asked a mutual friend if they know.... fortunately they do.


When I get back from my short break then I / we will make a visit.


How on earth did I get mixed up with someone who does not give a toss?



Grrr, I get so angry and it does not do my health much good which is why I express it here.

I am not responsible for his health problems, for his aches or pains, he is… he is not a child.

If he does not take his medication to help then tough, if he does not arrange to go and see a physio to help his pains then tough.  

I am not his nurse, or his doctor. 

Yes I am his wife but there is only so much one can take and one can do, if I suggest anything to help then I am nagging.  

I get angry with him as he will not help himself.

He is not in danger of losing his life or his ability to walk….. at the moment.

He has little clots in his bloodstream, he has an aneurysm (aorta) that is being monitored. He has COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) and will not do anything to help improve his lung function or even his general health.

How on earth he has made 70 years is amazing..

He is basically a lazy person.

He can swim but will he go for the health benefits? No

He has been told to walk 1km a day – will he do more? No

He is, or seems to be, dependent on alcohol, probably now an alcoholic although he does not drink during the day but can put half a bottle brandy or home brew pineau away in an evening after beer and wine.

I find him very difficult to live with.

We do not talk without arguing or even seem to have anything in common… but then did we in the beginning?

Snobs?

I saw a strange statement posted in the Ladies group I am a member of on Facebook.

The subject matter was, once again, about the awful people around who are gossipmongers and backstabbers etc…. we all know the type and that it happens.

The statement came from a woman who has a theory that the ‘social classes are all muddled up’ and that ’Brits are just thrown together’ which is why there are so many ‘problems’ encountered by the ex-pat community.   

I cannot quite understand why she said such a thing and personally find it a foolish and possibly an inflammatory thing to say.

It is a bit like the sketch with the Two Ronnies and John Cleese where they all know their place and it seems that this person thinks that the same applies out here.

If she is so anti-mix of social class then she should not mix with the hoi polloi in the big wide world and live in her own little world.

Changes?

I have just looked back at my last postings, oh my they were some weeks back and I was in a ‘sensitive’ state.

Since then I have spoken with my doctor. Bless her, she listened as I explained in my halting French, sometimes breaking into English.

I was at the lowest of low. I could not sleep or concentrate and was very prone to tears – I had dreamt that I was with my sister and as I went to say goodbye to her she kept moving just out of reach…. I was devastated when I woke up. I suppose it was a catalyst. All my husband could say was, “Well, you are allowed to grieve”. There was no comforting arm around me….

I explained all to my lovely doc. When I first spoke about how I was feeling she asked if it was to do with his drinking (which is still excessive in my eyes) and I said yes but also to do with my loss, we talked about my feelings and she listened, I was not dismissed by her at all, she had time for me. I was prescribed a mild sleeping pill and also an antidepressant. I must admit I have felt calmer since – have been sleeping well which I hadn’t for months… 

Some days I feel marvellous and could take on the world, other times I just want to stay snuggled in my bed  - I don’t want to self-diagnose but I know there is still a long way to go before I am me again – whoever me is!

We can put depression down to many factors, the weather was crap beginning of the year, many grey, short days – total lack of sunshine – too many ‘comfort’ meals meaning extra ‘stodge’ in the system. I suppose it was the wheel of life turning very slowly, in a depressing pattern,  just waiting for sunshine to enter my life.  

For me it has been a combination of factors. Last year was good(ish), I managed two lovely holidays – something I have needed for a very long time. He does not seem to need such stimulus, he is happy in his own little world.

This year the grey days seemed to last forever, just wanting to hibernate was on the agenda and to fill with warming food, then the death of my sister totally upset my equilibrium… where does one turn? Who can one turn to? Why oh why did she go? Those questions and others but no ray of sunshine to open the heavens for guidance… feeling totally lost.  I still ask the questions but am not so lost.. I can talk about her and her life now and shed a little tear but not the ‘buckets’ as before.

Since then I have had a very good couple of months.

We went to the UK to celebrate another of his significant birthdays which was held at our eldest daughters house (bless her). All of the family turned up except for his sister in law, niece and nephew who are totally out of the family equation at the moment – one of those familial things that we all encounter sometimes in our lives. We also invited old friends that he had not seen for many years… he was delighted. It was lovely to have all of the family (albeit only my side and there were plenty of those), and old friends together.. Such a shame that my mother was unable to join the celebration – she felt it would be much too much for her.

In June we had a couple of the grandchildren come to stay and they were here for celebration no 2. Lucky man! Party with family then party with French and English friends here, just brilliant! We loved it.

Then my other sister came to stay for a few days in which we had some good ‘sister’ time together then, amazingly, followed by my dear friend arriving for a week as sister departed to UK.  So good to have a couple of lovely women to talk to, have a laugh, and to put the world to rights with.

All in all the last few weeks have been good for me, and for him I think. He knows there are other people out there who care about us…… 

Those that are supposedly in 'the nick' are not it seems....

He was at a conference in London over the weekend.

Meanwhile, I will be here, in France, putting the gossip to bed and silencing the gossip-mongers.

I hope.

I am on the job...

Something Nasty in the North

  

We have some good friends, they don’t live close to us now, which is such a shame as I would love to see them more.

They moved away a little while ago and now we only talk via Skype or email.

If and when we get the opportunity to see them ‘face to face’ catching up is a pleasure, as is the shared food, wine and laughter.

I was surprised then, last week, when I got an email from her saying that someone had said to a stranger that her husband had been involved in criminal activities.

My friend was undoubtedly shocked and horrified by this, as was I. This information reached my friends via a 3^rd party who was as shocked as we were.

We have no idea where this ‘idea’ of criminality came from and are puzzled why it was said.

There is a small minded clique that lives north of us and it is someone within that area that said the offending ‘thing’, we do not know if she (and we know it is a she) is a member of this clique but have a suspicion that she is.

Have they nothing to do with their lives than spread malicious rumours about someone they do not even know.

I also heard from some friends here that other friends told them that a couple that we knew – also moved away – are languishing in prison. Both of them it seems….

We know he did some dodgy things out here, was prosecuted and fined, but his wife was not implicated at all and his offence was not one that would result in prison…

Where on earth did that bit of gossip come from?

Again it is a couple that are not here and do not have any way of defending themselves.

I sit and I listen and make gentle probes and if I can I put things right, I will, discreetly.

I do not tell stories, tall tales or spread gossip about people that I don’t know let alone people I do know.

I would not dream of it, let alone hear something and then tell someone else who will spread the word and no doubt embellish it on the way.

I just cannot understand it at all, these people seem to have no conscience at all and no thought about those that are the subject of their gossip and lies. 

Over the past few weeks I have been feeling very 'tense'.

I find my jaw tightening and my head 'pulsing' and my tinnitus louder...

I am not sure why, or maybe I know why.

I cannot talk through my feelings with my 'nearest and dearest' because he just shrugs and walks away.

It is difficult to communicate in another language with my doctor.

My last check up with my medecin my BP was up "yes" I said, "I have been stressed." She did not ask why.

I think it is to do with the loss of my sister, the crap weather we have been having, his lack of talking to me.

I am fed up with the cleaning, laundry, vacuuming, bed making, planning daily menus, the cooking, planning decor, decorating, planning garden, gardening, sorting out the 'crap'.

He is either reading, playing computer games, eating, drinking or sleeping... He loves his afternoon nap - drives me up the wall. I would love to have a full day out - no, he does not even think about it.

I have said about going to various places to visit or for a few days holiday. He says, if you want to go, then go. I ask, what about you - he says I'm fine, you go..

I want to share my life with him..

WHY????  

I would love to walk away from it all.

I would like someone to listen to me.

I would like someone to care.

Depression is awful but I do not want to resort to taking medication that will shut 'me' off.

I am 'me', and 'me', or 'I', am going through a period of time that is 'black' - I will not say it is a 'crisis' - I have never been in a 'crisis', but have been depressed in the past.

Churchill had his 'Black Dog' that visited - I think I have that at the moment - all people do but whether they acknowledge or not is a different matter.

After the birth of our third child I suffered from post-natal depression. I was tearful most of the time and was, basically, on automatic pilot with not only my children but my husband.

He thought that the remedy was regular sex...

Now that was so wrong, love and care yes but being 'fucked' on a regular basis did not remedy the problem, in fact it made it worse - made me feel worthless - I considered myself a baby and 'fuck' machine.

Sounds so crude but, at the time, true.

I was on two lots of pills, prescribed by the doctor, uppers and downers from what I remember. Something to get rid of the depression and something to perk me up... My mind was a fuzz most of the time...

Our children have been unaffected by this episode, I hope. They do not remember it although our eldest child will say that she thought I went through a difficult time.

How I got through it I don't know but I do not want to go down that route again.

I would rather go for a holistic remedy.

And, as for sex.... well that has not figured in my life for a long time.

f he ever says "it's been a long time since..." I will say 'well, tough, it is the same for me'.

Oh My God, this is dire, but at least I have got it out of my system..

An idea published

I have recently become acquainted with a new author. She has just published her first novel and at the moment I am reading my copy.

The novel is an ‘alternate history’ thriller, and I am finding it exciting and intriguing.

The author, Alison Morton  has had an undying interest in all things relating to ancient Rome.  

Her interest was ‘sparked’ on a visit to an ancient site in Spain when she was a young girl and once it got a grip it would not let go. 

She pondered the question, ‘Supposing Women were the rulers in Rome, how would the world be now?’ 

That was her vision and that idea is the basis of the book.

The basic synopsis is of a young woman in modern America, but not the USA as we know it. Centuries back the Roman Empire did not just ‘dissolve’ away but part of it split away and became a ‘matriarchal’ European country. 

The heroine of this novel is totally unaware that she is descended from one of the most important families in Roma Nova as this fictional country is known. Her life is suddenly shaken up and is in danger from political enemies.

I won’t say any more, just that this fast paced book ‘Inceptio’ is getting good reviews and is selling well.

The second book is at the final proofing stage book, number three is ready as well and she is working on number four. Am looking forward to seeing them in print as well

Alison has my admiration for sticking to her guns and working very hard over the past 4 years getting it all together.

It is nice to meet a person with a sense of history and who, like me, absolutely hates bad spelling and grammar as well as the misuse and bad spelling of Latin and French phrases.   

I had a friend contact me, she will be visiting me with some other friends, and she said ‘I will be picking up X & Y on root’. 

Eek……  

I find it unbelievable that someone who has lived here for 10 years cannot spell a basic French phrase.

Or am I just 'picky' ?

What do you do if you have forgotten how to pray?

I used to pray but haven’t done so in such a long time.

I feel that I need to send messages to that ‘being’,  who is known as God.

I need answers.

As a baptised Catholic I am finding this very difficult.

There are Methodist and Anglican vicars in my locality but I don’t know of any English speaking ‘Roman’ priests that could help me.

I feel at a spiritual loss.

It is no good talking to ‘himself’ as he is a self-proclaimed agnostic… he has an ‘aggressive’ aversion to religion of any shape or form.  

I have no idea what he is afraid of, but there is something in his background that has formed this opinion.

There is no empathy from him.

When he knew my sister had died his response, basically, was ‘Sorry, but when you get to our age people you know die.’ 

  

I can’t remember his exact words but that was the impression I got.

It seems as though the part of his brain that has feelings, empathy etc. is switched off.

The part of his brain that is concerned with himself though is fully up and running!

We had friends round for lunch yesterday. 

They left at around 4pm. 

He continued drinking, had a light snack later.

At half past midnight this morning I heard him in the loo voiding himself of all and everything.

When I mentioned it this morning he had no recollection….

I so need solace.

Tears come very easy these days.

The Old Biddie is not very happy…

Have just arrived back home after a rather stressful week.

I was supposed to be returning to the UK on the 7^th March to celebrate my mother’s 92^nd birthday, the whole family were going to have a lovely party in her honour in my sister’s new house.

Life was turned upside down on the 22^nd February.

I cancelled my flight (he was staying here) and booked a ferry for the two of us instead for the following Tuesday. 

We saw mum and our children, did some shopping, he returned on the Saturday and I stayed on for another week.

I found it all very surreal, a piece of my life had been switched off. My mother is not one for emotions, she is a very private person and keeps her feelings to herself. She will voice her opinions and thoughts though. We talked, she wept a little, I wept a little, she was unhappy that her daughters partner of 14 yrs was left with nothing. They had not married. Maybe they planned to in the future, but the future didn’t happen. Mum is very fond of him and, I think, would have loved him for a son-in-law.

And so my life has changed.

I am now the eldest child in the family. My brother is not too enamoured of that idea, yes, I was his older sister but now the eldest sister.

The airline company, who normally get bad press for their practices have agreed to refund my flight costs. 

Good.

When I got home I found that no cleaning had been done in the house. When we left it was clean. I am stating my case and whether he likes it or not is tough. He obviously needs to employ a housekeeper, cook and cleaner.

And, to my horror, not only am I turning into my mother but I am turning into my mother in law! I bought a lovely pair of shoes for the summer and what does he say “My mum had a pair of shoes just like that.”

Eeek!     

I mentioned that the lounge decoration should have been finished so that we could get on with the next thing that needed doing. 

Response was, “Yes and the gardening & etc.” I wondered what he was on about. 

“Do you mean that you think you needed to finish the painting? If I had been here then it would have been done, as it is I was in the UK, because of my sister’s death, it had always been my intention for me to finish it.” Was my response, along with a few swear words. 

“Oh.” He said.

Anyway, painting is now done. Just need to put paper on the wall.

Papering over the cracks?

My lovely sister lost her battle/fight, however one would describe such a thing, with cancer early Friday morning.....

It was so sudden, my whole family are shocked to the core at the speed of her death.

'Oh,' said the medics 'she has a few months, time to get the necessary affairs sorted.' 'We will keep her comfortable & etc......'

'Oh' we said 'We will all have a chance to see her and say our goodbyes.'

WRONG!

I am going through all sorts of emotions at the moment... Anger is to the fore most of the time. Angry that she did not stop smoking. Angry that I did not have that last chat with her. Angry that she in all probability knew she had cancer. Angry that my mother has lost a child.  Angry that her children have lost their mother. Angry that her grandchildren have lost their grandmother. Angry that her partner, who is so devoted, is now alone again.

So, I am off to the UK for not the best of reasons.

I know I will feel calmer once I have seen my family. 

Would like think that those who gossip about people that are no longer here will be gossiped about when they leave.

I get really annoyed that they think they have the right to tell ‘all and sundry’ (that is Brits) about people that they do not know, I keep my counsel and listen.

One day I will say, contact ‘so and so.’ “Here is his/her email address and I am sure that they will give you the details that you are lacking.”

I had a lovely lady stay with me at my B&B. She was from Luxembourg and visiting France for one of her children that had been invited to a birthday party. This lady was from my part of the UK and was married to a French banker. We had a long, lovely chat, she was absolutely delightful. It seems that in the ‘State’ of Luxembourg everyone knows the business of everyone else. Apparently the Americans are the worst for gossip. When I mentioned that a (small) town near to us was full of English she said ‘Oh My God a mini Luxembourg! How can you put up with it!) I stated that I avoided the place like the plague.. She smiled and laughed. I detected a little ‘jealousy’ there. I feel that in spite of her husband’s wonderful job she would prefer the simple life.

I am happy being on the periphery of the Ex-patriot community, the more I hear the more I want to hide away. When you get down to it we are immigrants – the sort of people that the English are complaining about…

In spite of the above I have met some really lovely ladies recently. Ladies that are on the same wavelength as me. We can chat about all and everything and it is intelligent chat, nothing inane. 

I do really need to get to grips with the local French ladies and what is going on in the village. I have been very remiss I must admit… will work on it and let all my followers know how I get on.

On the family front all is well. There are a few issues with TJ, probably because he is getting ‘bigger’ – it seems his anti-seizure medication is not up to scratch. It needs to be according to his weight I think.

I still don’t know how his mum copes with it all.

She has two other children to consider as well. Eldest child is now 15 yrs old and is coping with having to help his mother and brother.

It does worry me…. Her daughter seems to be daddy’s  (daddy not being fully involved in family life.)  ‘princess’ which really pisses me off as at the age of 10 is no use to her mother at all… am I being ‘off the wall?’ when I ask that children do not help their mother and siblings?   

Grrrr.

Have just had another anniversary, was it acknowledged totally... no - I think I will need to arrange a proper celebration of our years together. I get very sad....

Am decorating the house, painting walls in the ‘salon’ and it is looking good. I have art works to put on the walls and they need a decent backdrop. I work my socks, arms, calves off painting and end up feeling knackered. It looks good though. 

I am pleased. 

He says ‘ it’s a bit dark!’ I say ‘ wait ‘til the sun shines.’  

What a difference once the sun is out… I am pleased with the effect and when I have put pictures etc on the walls it looks so very good…  Hallway is almost finished and it also looks very good. 

Got to sort out bathroom – made a scale plan and sourced and priced the finished articles. 

I know it will work!

Will keep all and sundry posted.x

I know yesterday's post was dire but I needed to express my feelings in the simplest of ways to people who do not know me...

I don't want sycophantic crap from the group (LIFT) I belong to, the thought of their platitudes and advice would nauseate me as I am not an unintelligent woman who needs someone to tell me 'this and that'.

My lovely sister is my first friend, playmate and confidante. She had her own name for me as she could not pronounce my name properly being only 16 months old when I was born. Her children only know me by the name she called me.  We would share a bedroom, clothes, makeup, fall out, make up, share experiences and, would you believe, a boyfriend (who eventually became my husband).

I remember we went out one evening, many years ago, and met a couple of lovely lads. We told them we were twins. My sister had auburn hair, the deepest brown eyes, fair skin and freckles. I had almost black hair, green eyes and olive skin. We were 18 yrs and 16 yrs old. The lads bought it! We said not all twins were identical. Got a few drinks and a wonderful evening out of them! Wicked? No, we were young and enjoying life.

I love this lady who continually smoked from the age of 16... and that is her downfall. If only, I wish...

My God I will miss her so much.    

How can I say this?

I have just had the most devastating news.

My sister has just a few months to live.

She has cancer.

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This evening, for some unknown reason, I got embroiled in the most amazing argument on the LIFT Facebook page.

A member asked the question about offering ready to heat meals, mainly curries, for sale to members of the public and whether they would be interested.

There were a few responses before I replied.

This lady had all the necessary catering qualifications (English) but they are different here in France. I just endeavoured to point her in the right direction so I suggested that the ‘poster’ created a business and then went through the proper channels to be legitimate in France, even giving her a link to someone selling food here.

Another person said ‘Are you taking the Mick & etc.?’

Well this comment opened all sorts of responses, bearing in mind that there are now over 1000 members on this particular site

.

A lot of people agreed with the fact that she needed to be legal. After all I was only trying to help her, heaven forbid that she goes down the wrong route and ends up being closed down and fined a lot of money that she cannot afford.

There were a couple out here who ran a pork business; oh you know,   “We breed rare breed pigs and make sausages, pies, sell chops, piglets etc.”  Yes, they got caught out and had to pay an enormous amount in fines and eventually left the country. Yes, they were running the business without the necessary permissions! 

Don’t like to see that happening to someone wanting to make a living out here.

Eventually the posting acquired around 150 comments before admin deleted it.

There was a lot of vitriol.

So there is, out there, the occasional person that will stir up something innocuous and turn it into a storm.

I was quite surprised at the response from this particular person, I just could not understand why she had responded in such a way. 

Maybe she had had too much to drink, she did sound a little ‘slurred’ with her comments. 

Am I making excuses for someone with issues?

I have had support from people that I know as well as those that I don’t know.

I won’t keep my mouth shut when there is knowledge to share. 

I do not like to see people get the wrong sort of advice.

If I don’t know then I won’t say but if I do then I will and on this occasion I did.

Protests are afoot in Gay Paree - it seems that the 'ordinary' folk are not so happy about the proposals of  M. Hollande to allow same-sex marriage. I hear all the shouting on the news and see the images in the press.

Trains, buses and other alternative transport was laid on to allow the protesters, for and against, to congregate and make their stand.

I will just stay here in the relative comfort of my home and observe from the sidelines.

It will another one of M. Hollands plans to bite the dust, peut etre.

At least the Justice Dept. are happy to throw out his ideas.

We are in the process of decorating, this has been an ongoing task for around 6 months now. It is only the hallway being done but it is looking very nice, almost finished I am pleased to say.

Himself has been papering, I did a little but found that up and down the ladder did me no good and put me in pain for a few days. It is all to do, I hope, with the arthritis in the base of my spine and how affects my hip. Referred pain can be a bit of a nuisance as you are not sure what area to treat. I did have a cortisone injection a couple of years ago and that made no difference whatsoever. I do hate to take painkillers and want to go for the natural approach to pain when possible.

The local ladies group is now in four figures, not bad in four years but it seems that a little friction is making its way in.

I suppose it is a bit like a large all girls school, you either get on or you don't, sometimes you argue, call each other names or even tell someone exactly what you think of them. You fall out and then make up and remain friends or never speak to the other party again. So far this year there have been two nasty spats.. oh dear!

The 'headmistress' has been very diplomatic over these 'infantile' postings.

There is also the lady who's house bounds on a farmers field, they had a falling out a while back, over something minor, and now the farmer is building a shed against their house. Lady and husband are now selling up, if they can.

I think that this year there will be quite a few changes here, some people will find that life is not all it's cut up to be and will be opting out and trying somewhere else.

Wheat and Chaff come to mind.