You get to the point when you wonder why the fuck you carry on...


I thought everything was OK but it is not.


Hubby let a 'friend', in the loosest sense of the word, borrow his trailer ramps and also have our old cooker.. we were due 100 euro for the cooker – not paid yet and the ramps have not been returned.


I did not know that the ramps had been 'borrowed'. They cost a lot of money.


This friend was going to sort out our car, and also lots of other mechanical things.


Wrong!


Nothing has been sorted and we are now out of pocket.


I am so pissed off with it all.


Does my other half, husband, or whatever you want to call him, care?


NO – he does not.


That is why I am again so pissed off..


It is our money that is affected – what comes in and what goes out.


He does not seem to give a toss.


Again I get so bloody angry.


I have contacted the 'friend' and asked that he contact us to return the ramps and pay the money that he owes.


He has not been in touch.


We do not even know where he bloody well lives!


I have asked a mutual friend if they know.... fortunately they do.


When I get back from my short break then I / we will make a visit.


How on earth did I get mixed up with someone who does not give a toss?



Grrr, I get so angry and it does not do my health much good which is why I express it here.

I am not responsible for his health problems, for his aches or pains, he is… he is not a child.

If he does not take his medication to help then tough, if he does not arrange to go and see a physio to help his pains then tough.  

I am not his nurse, or his doctor. 

Yes I am his wife but there is only so much one can take and one can do, if I suggest anything to help then I am nagging.  

I get angry with him as he will not help himself.

He is not in danger of losing his life or his ability to walk….. at the moment.

He has little clots in his bloodstream, he has an aneurysm (aorta) that is being monitored. He has COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) and will not do anything to help improve his lung function or even his general health.

How on earth he has made 70 years is amazing..

He is basically a lazy person.

He can swim but will he go for the health benefits? No

He has been told to walk 1km a day – will he do more? No

He is, or seems to be, dependent on alcohol, probably now an alcoholic although he does not drink during the day but can put half a bottle brandy or home brew pineau away in an evening after beer and wine.

I find him very difficult to live with.

We do not talk without arguing or even seem to have anything in common… but then did we in the beginning?

Snobs?

I saw a strange statement posted in the Ladies group I am a member of on Facebook.

The subject matter was, once again, about the awful people around who are gossipmongers and backstabbers etc…. we all know the type and that it happens.

The statement came from a woman who has a theory that the ‘social classes are all muddled up’ and that ’Brits are just thrown together’ which is why there are so many ‘problems’ encountered by the ex-pat community.   

I cannot quite understand why she said such a thing and personally find it a foolish and possibly an inflammatory thing to say.

It is a bit like the sketch with the Two Ronnies and John Cleese where they all know their place and it seems that this person thinks that the same applies out here.

If she is so anti-mix of social class then she should not mix with the hoi polloi in the big wide world and live in her own little world.

Changes?

I have just looked back at my last postings, oh my they were some weeks back and I was in a ‘sensitive’ state.

Since then I have spoken with my doctor. Bless her, she listened as I explained in my halting French, sometimes breaking into English.

I was at the lowest of low. I could not sleep or concentrate and was very prone to tears – I had dreamt that I was with my sister and as I went to say goodbye to her she kept moving just out of reach…. I was devastated when I woke up. I suppose it was a catalyst. All my husband could say was, “Well, you are allowed to grieve”. There was no comforting arm around me….

I explained all to my lovely doc. When I first spoke about how I was feeling she asked if it was to do with his drinking (which is still excessive in my eyes) and I said yes but also to do with my loss, we talked about my feelings and she listened, I was not dismissed by her at all, she had time for me. I was prescribed a mild sleeping pill and also an antidepressant. I must admit I have felt calmer since – have been sleeping well which I hadn’t for months… 

Some days I feel marvellous and could take on the world, other times I just want to stay snuggled in my bed  - I don’t want to self-diagnose but I know there is still a long way to go before I am me again – whoever me is!

We can put depression down to many factors, the weather was crap beginning of the year, many grey, short days – total lack of sunshine – too many ‘comfort’ meals meaning extra ‘stodge’ in the system. I suppose it was the wheel of life turning very slowly, in a depressing pattern,  just waiting for sunshine to enter my life.  

For me it has been a combination of factors. Last year was good(ish), I managed two lovely holidays – something I have needed for a very long time. He does not seem to need such stimulus, he is happy in his own little world.

This year the grey days seemed to last forever, just wanting to hibernate was on the agenda and to fill with warming food, then the death of my sister totally upset my equilibrium… where does one turn? Who can one turn to? Why oh why did she go? Those questions and others but no ray of sunshine to open the heavens for guidance… feeling totally lost.  I still ask the questions but am not so lost.. I can talk about her and her life now and shed a little tear but not the ‘buckets’ as before.

Since then I have had a very good couple of months.

We went to the UK to celebrate another of his significant birthdays which was held at our eldest daughters house (bless her). All of the family turned up except for his sister in law, niece and nephew who are totally out of the family equation at the moment – one of those familial things that we all encounter sometimes in our lives. We also invited old friends that he had not seen for many years… he was delighted. It was lovely to have all of the family (albeit only my side and there were plenty of those), and old friends together.. Such a shame that my mother was unable to join the celebration – she felt it would be much too much for her.

In June we had a couple of the grandchildren come to stay and they were here for celebration no 2. Lucky man! Party with family then party with French and English friends here, just brilliant! We loved it.

Then my other sister came to stay for a few days in which we had some good ‘sister’ time together then, amazingly, followed by my dear friend arriving for a week as sister departed to UK.  So good to have a couple of lovely women to talk to, have a laugh, and to put the world to rights with.

All in all the last few weeks have been good for me, and for him I think. He knows there are other people out there who care about us…… 

Those that are supposedly in 'the nick' are not it seems....

He was at a conference in London over the weekend.

Meanwhile, I will be here, in France, putting the gossip to bed and silencing the gossip-mongers.

I hope.

I am on the job...

Something Nasty in the North

  

We have some good friends, they don’t live close to us now, which is such a shame as I would love to see them more.

They moved away a little while ago and now we only talk via Skype or email.

If and when we get the opportunity to see them ‘face to face’ catching up is a pleasure, as is the shared food, wine and laughter.

I was surprised then, last week, when I got an email from her saying that someone had said to a stranger that her husband had been involved in criminal activities.

My friend was undoubtedly shocked and horrified by this, as was I. This information reached my friends via a 3^rd party who was as shocked as we were.

We have no idea where this ‘idea’ of criminality came from and are puzzled why it was said.

There is a small minded clique that lives north of us and it is someone within that area that said the offending ‘thing’, we do not know if she (and we know it is a she) is a member of this clique but have a suspicion that she is.

Have they nothing to do with their lives than spread malicious rumours about someone they do not even know.

I also heard from some friends here that other friends told them that a couple that we knew – also moved away – are languishing in prison. Both of them it seems….

We know he did some dodgy things out here, was prosecuted and fined, but his wife was not implicated at all and his offence was not one that would result in prison…

Where on earth did that bit of gossip come from?

Again it is a couple that are not here and do not have any way of defending themselves.

I sit and I listen and make gentle probes and if I can I put things right, I will, discreetly.

I do not tell stories, tall tales or spread gossip about people that I don’t know let alone people I do know.

I would not dream of it, let alone hear something and then tell someone else who will spread the word and no doubt embellish it on the way.

I just cannot understand it at all, these people seem to have no conscience at all and no thought about those that are the subject of their gossip and lies. 

Over the past few weeks I have been feeling very 'tense'.

I find my jaw tightening and my head 'pulsing' and my tinnitus louder...

I am not sure why, or maybe I know why.

I cannot talk through my feelings with my 'nearest and dearest' because he just shrugs and walks away.

It is difficult to communicate in another language with my doctor.

My last check up with my medecin my BP was up "yes" I said, "I have been stressed." She did not ask why.

I think it is to do with the loss of my sister, the crap weather we have been having, his lack of talking to me.

I am fed up with the cleaning, laundry, vacuuming, bed making, planning daily menus, the cooking, planning decor, decorating, planning garden, gardening, sorting out the 'crap'.

He is either reading, playing computer games, eating, drinking or sleeping... He loves his afternoon nap - drives me up the wall. I would love to have a full day out - no, he does not even think about it.

I have said about going to various places to visit or for a few days holiday. He says, if you want to go, then go. I ask, what about you - he says I'm fine, you go..

I want to share my life with him..

WHY????  

I would love to walk away from it all.

I would like someone to listen to me.

I would like someone to care.

Depression is awful but I do not want to resort to taking medication that will shut 'me' off.

I am 'me', and 'me', or 'I', am going through a period of time that is 'black' - I will not say it is a 'crisis' - I have never been in a 'crisis', but have been depressed in the past.

Churchill had his 'Black Dog' that visited - I think I have that at the moment - all people do but whether they acknowledge or not is a different matter.

After the birth of our third child I suffered from post-natal depression. I was tearful most of the time and was, basically, on automatic pilot with not only my children but my husband.

He thought that the remedy was regular sex...

Now that was so wrong, love and care yes but being 'fucked' on a regular basis did not remedy the problem, in fact it made it worse - made me feel worthless - I considered myself a baby and 'fuck' machine.

Sounds so crude but, at the time, true.

I was on two lots of pills, prescribed by the doctor, uppers and downers from what I remember. Something to get rid of the depression and something to perk me up... My mind was a fuzz most of the time...

Our children have been unaffected by this episode, I hope. They do not remember it although our eldest child will say that she thought I went through a difficult time.

How I got through it I don't know but I do not want to go down that route again.

I would rather go for a holistic remedy.

And, as for sex.... well that has not figured in my life for a long time.

f he ever says "it's been a long time since..." I will say 'well, tough, it is the same for me'.

Oh My God, this is dire, but at least I have got it out of my system..